


May the best man win.

by Boarding_Sporty



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Game, Bodyswap, Dave thinks the word "Ganja" like once, F/F, F/M, Gen, Humanstuck, M/M, Other, Sex, Witchcraft, tomfoolery
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-06
Updated: 2017-12-31
Packaged: 2019-02-11 10:32:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,632
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12933390
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Boarding_Sporty/pseuds/Boarding_Sporty
Summary: Dave: Be the other girl.





	1. In retrospect, a less occult housewarming party would have been a better idea.

It’s a good day, you tell yourself: you're watching your favorite YouTube Lets-Play, your comic's Patreon earned enough money to pay the rent for another month, everything is going well, life is going well, you're doing well.

You pause the video and crack open a bottle of fancy apple juice you impulse bought earlier with your web content based spoils. Kicking it back takes the edge off the heat at least. Its hot today. The window is open, A/C is cranked up, but damn if living in a concrete jungle at the heart of a desert doesn’t make it do fuck all.

Today though, it isn't the heat, and it certainly isn’t the humidity. You’re feeling the burn from your antisocial lifestyle and its getting to you. Cabin fever has set the fuck in and you really want to start talking to some people who aren’t muppets. Not that you live with... him... anymore. You still need to get rent money from him though, (not this week, thank god) so he sits there in your chumroll, plumping it to a whopping sixteen chumps. Give or take. That’s a whole hell of a lot of people to barely talk to.

You spin in the shitty faux leather office chair you call your home for 95% of the day and exhale deeply. You could sit around your messy ass sty of a room all day fucking yourself up the ass about your case of the blahs, or you could have a nice chat with your pals on the internet and feel better. Fuck, tough call.

*

EB: listen all i am saying is that good friends give each other presents all the time

TT: 400 year old heirlooms, John? Personally engraved?

EB: i mean if one of my pals gave me something like that i would be appreciative of it! i think both of you are reading into this too much

\--- turntechGodhead is no longer an idle chum! ---

GG: daaaaaaave!!!

EB: oh hey dave! nice to see you, also quick question what the heck were you thinking with that last update? 

TT: Hello David. Have you come to confess your sins of bestiality to the church? Confession is always open, you know.

TG: all of you are philistines who cant appreciate true comedy

TG: stop sucking mans best friends dick is pure transcendent comedy genius and yall are too up your own asses with envy to truly appreciate it

GG: i thought it was funny!!!! :D

TG: ...

TG: anyways whats up? did anything happen this week while i was tuned out in my creative haze

EB: usual stuff, joke shop is doing well, got some heavy applause at my last open mic night! the usual

GG: very much not the usual! john is doing well and is trying to play it down when in reality it is a very big deal! 

EB: aw shucks

TT: Aside from John’s false modesty, my university application got accepted.

GG: another big deal!!! this week has been loaded with big deals

TG: oh shit nice

TG: mad ups to my girl sabrina finally going to salem

TG: miskatonic big girl on campus shredding the ether and getting laid in the fourth dimension

TG: slamming some colours out of space before pantsing the dean’s non-euclidian ass

TT: While the idea of going to school at a fictional university in Massachusetts for the sole purpose of matching my aesthetic does admittedly appeal to me, I sadly have not.

TT: I’m just going to ignore the Sabrina comment.

EB: isnt sabrina from maine?

TT: No, John, that’s Steven King country, Sabrina is set in Massachusetts. The domain of Boston, Salem, and a certain fish hating racist.

EB: go figure! :o

TT: Anyway I applied to quite a few places, but the one that I ended up going with was The University of Houston. Mostly because Kanaya got accepted there as well and we can spend more time together while we take our classes. 

TG: oh shit awesome in person meet up

TG: cant wait to roll up all in your cozy little yarn filled love hole and drink bathbombs while you two exchange broccoli 

EB: dave please dont drink a bath bomb

TG: fine 

TG: but i wont like it

TG: the siren song of that thick sparkly liquid calls to me john and i can only refuse for so long

TG: anyways cant wait to see you two in town in a week or two

TT: Dave, we’re already here. In the three days you took to draw two pages of low resolution dog genitals and scar an entire generation, Kanaya and I flew in and unpacked. 

TT: Yes, John, our arms are fatigued from the journey.

EB: are your arms ti

EB: rats

GG: hehehe

TG: already here 

TG: yeah okay that should have been my first reaction

TG: i guess ill

TG: come over and check the place out

TG: play some party games do some shots

TT: That would be lovely, Dave.

EB: very jealous! since both of you are in the same place though i guess all it would take for us to have an in person meet up would be to just fly to houston!

GG: ohh! i think business has cleared up enough for me to catch a flight actually!

EB: i was just funning, but if you could actually make it then we might just have some pal time on our hands!

EB: were doing this! were making this happen!

EB: get it dave i am making a reference to your comic

TG: yeah i caught it

TG: anyways since i have plans now that involve me leaving my apartment i now will detach and start stockpiling that dank social energy

GG: so soon? well okay, cant wait to hear how your lunchin goes! nice to see you dave

EB: toodles!

TG: catch yall on the flipside

TT: Farewell, Dave.

\--- turntechGodhead is now an idle chum! ---

*

They really did a lot with their apartment in three days. Considering they moved in four days ago, it really feels like they lived in this shitty little duplex their entire lives. You feel impressed: lots of cross stitch hanging up on the walls, all sorts of pseudo occult knickknacks everywhere, a nice coffee table, and a large clearly-printed-off-this-morning picture of a Sappho painting in a one dollar plastic wood frame. Its so fucking clean in here you could eat off the floor; the wood and linoleum parts at least, for the matted shag carpet floor you probably would want a plate so you don't get what the past five generations of uni students caked into it. The carpet hardly detracts from the atmosphere, though; the mood of sitting around the aforementioned coffee table and drinking artisanal leaf water is high on the cozy factor. They had the pot on before you got there, and as soon as you walked in the door they pulled out a cup and you were right there in the middle of their sewing circle. Rose is done up fairly casual, Kanaya done up quite decidedly uncasual, and you, kicking it like an utterly extravagant mac daddy in your sweats and SBAHJ t-shirt (the glow in the dark one; it is a special occasion after all). Conversation has mostly been niceties, comments about the weather, how un-shit Houston is compared to how they thought it would be, topped off with little splashes of their decorating goals. 

It’s really fucking boring. 

You place your teacup down, off the saucer in an act of blatant defiance to their cozy yarn lesbian authority, and stretch out. 

“Sooooo, when does the witchcraft happen?”

“I beg your pardon, David?” Rose dryly asks you, breaking off her previous topic of how lovely tweezed alpaca hair is on the skin or whatever the fuck. 

“Ya know, I know you two are mad into that The Craft shit, so I mean when do we get stiff as a board?”

“Light as a feather, Stiff as a board.” Kanaya quietly corrects you, the thought is nice but totally wasted.

Rose just sighs, leaning her head on her free hand and looking at you like you’re some kind of clumsy raccoon fumbling at a trash lid with your freakishly small hands. Clearly trying to liven things up isn’t going over well as you hoped. You take another slow sip at the lapdance slouchlong tea or whatever the fuck and hope the shades hide your social unease.

The silence thankfully only lasts about five minutes before Rose cracks a smile at you; you knew she would. 

“Yeah sure, you know what? Fuck it, we talk online all the time. Let’s make our first in person encounter a memorable one.”

She and Kanaya exchange a knowing look before they draft you into helping them put the tea set away, then in gathering up the supplies and setting up the ritual on the coffee table.   
*

“Okay, so all you need to do is hold the candle and just... not drop it okay? I’m serious Dave.”

She certainly is, as this is the third time in her long winded explanation that she told you, so you just keep nodding. 

“Take it easy, I’ve used a weegee board before, this is no sweat.”

She groans and drags her hands down her face, Kanaya politely raises a finger and tells you “That It’s Actually Pronounced Ouija”, but you knew that, just being wrong on purpose. Comedic effect in its most classical form.

“Dave, I would trust you if the things you said back to me were in any way shape or form related to what I am telling you, and for the last time this ISN'T a seance; I’m just going to do some colors, some shapes, and then we’re done. Got it?”

“Don’t worry, Rose, I know what colors and shapes are.”

“Oh for fuck sake Dave, just don’t drop the fucking candle.”

You hold it. The lights are out, she lights the incense and stands at the other end of the table chanting something, probably latin, and moving her hands around like she’s trying to make a snowball out of air.   
The atmosphere is cool and you have to admit that even though you aren’t a goth this stuff has a certain appeal to it, probably why you load up SBAHJ with occult symbolism like the illuminati eye and the ganja leaf. 

Kanaya, being the tallest, stands sort of hunched on the far left swinging some kind of fog mace over the circle. All very pseudo-christian. You keep your eyes glued on the circle just on the off chance Satan leaps out of it and tries to shove his trident up your ass, but for the most part the ritual is just you holding a candle and jack shit happening. 

Then... then the freaky shit starts to happen. A light comes up from the circle: a pulsing orb which just sort of hovers there... You don’t catch yourself looking at orbs much, but you feel you’re catching this one looking at you. Then it starts to send out sparkler looking things, some sort of mini fireworks display that manages to not light the carpet on fire. You have to admit its a neat trick; you’ll have to ask her how she does it after. Karkat would love it... well you aren’t certain he would, but you’ll show him and see if his jaw doesn’t drop. Yours would if you weren’t 10 levels of stoic badass at hiding your emotions. After the sparkler show dies down, the orb changes into a cube, then does some kind of red sprinkler thing. Kanaya gasps. Rose however doesn’t take her eyes off the circle.

Then you hear a meow. Oh fuck, you forgot they have a cat. Of course they brought it with them, of course the cat is right there looking up at the magical lightshow. You look between Rose and Kanaya and they both are thinking the exact same thing as you, probably that they don’t want the cat to jump head first into a fireworks display and fucking bite the big one. The cat butts its head against your leg in the stupidly cute way cats do and you feel you probably ought to break from this charade for a brief moment to ensure feline safety is within regulations.

You set the candle down— of course you do, what possible connection could holding a large cylinder of engraved wax and the holographic light show have? You set that fucker right down on the coffee table and the air instantly boils, heat waves hit you right in the face, and for a moment you feel the air inside your lungs burning, They both tear their eyes away from the cat as it runs out of the room in terror and look right at you as the cube shifts its focus towards you and opens like an eye. 

Then it explodes. 

*

You feel yourself waking up. You don’t know how long you’ve been out but you feel like fucking trash. First thought is how you probably should have taken the candle holding a bit more seriously and second is what the entire fuck just happened. You were honestly in this as a fun little gag, but watching a firework give you the Sauron eye really fucked you up. You don’t know if this is a part of the whole thing, but you doubt that Rose would pull a flashbang on you as a prank... some other means of knocking you out sure, but nothing that could potentially kill you.

You start to sit up and find the room is still spinning, but you feel mostly grounded for now, so you put a hand on your head and... oh that doesn’t feel right.

You open your eyes. As you previously thought, you are laying on the floor close to the ritual table, everything in the room looks like its all still in one piece, so you pull your hand away from your forehead and... ohhh fuck, that isn’t your hand, is it? 

It’s... smaller, slightly chubby, and has purple nail polish on it. 

Oh god, you aren’t in your body anymore, are you?

You look down and yep. There they are, the boobs. Also the clothes.

Now being thoroughly freaked the fuck out with yourself, you decide to turn your attention to the other two people and... yep, there he is. Yourself. Just sort of... Laying there.  
You vaguely are aware that it isn’t actually... you. You’re you after all... right? You still have vivid memories of being you but...   
No, lets not go there, you are one hundred... okay well ninety five percent sure that if you actually were Rose Lalonde you wouldn’t have a lingering fear of hybrid puppet sex toys.

It certainly is quite a head trip considering you thought magic was total fake shit like... well you check the clock and it looks like... ten minutes holy shit. Also holy shit to a lot of other feelings right now; you’re quite overwhelmed by the mad dearth of sacred fecal at the moment. 

The second person in the room to wake up is Kanaya. She blearily looks around the room and as soon as she sees you rushes over in a panic and kneels down by your side; she starts babbling a whole lot to the effect of “Oh God Rose Are You Okay” and... she grabs your hand, okay cool. Great.

You stop thinking for a moment when you see Dave start to get up off the floor, just enough to put a hand to his head. He pulls it back and stares at it for a few seconds, then looks around the room, then he looks at you. It’s easy to forget you aren’t looking in a mirror since the expression he makes is roughly the same as the what the fuck look that currently is taking up most of the real estate on your... current face. 

He slowly gets to his feet and stumbles over to you and Kanaya. She helps you up to your feet just in time for you to look up into a very familiar set of shades.... Wow, fuck, looking at yourself is weird. You forgot you were a foot taller than Rose. Hard not to notice now, though.

You both stare at each other for a while, while Kanaya confusedly looks back and forth between you. Every single thing you could possibly say to address this situation flashes through your mind as you stare at him. You both keep up your shocked expression staring contest for a while, but he breaks the silence first. You swear you see a quick smile flash across his face before he does, though. Oh god, process of elimination means that has to be Rose in your body, right? Nothing good is going to come of this, is there? She’s going to be all like “Wow Dave, how’s the weather down there?” or “I could have sworn you were wearing a worse outfit when you walked in here Dave” or even “Nice makeup, Dave, it really goes with your eyes.” All of these and many more heinous possibilities parade through your mind like a smug horror show in the time between your body opening its mouth and speaking.

 

“Oh my god y'all, are y'all okay?!” he says in the hokiest fucking hammy southern accent you have ever had the misfortune of having violated your ears.

 

So it’s going to be like that huh. Great.


	2. If you take the time to think about it, this freakiest friday bullshit really isn't your fault.

It’s just like it was about ten to fifteen minutes ago, only you're on the wrong loveseat. After a bit of dazed mumbling to Not-you-probably-Rose and Kanaya about not having received brain damage from whatever the fuck just happened, you're once again drinking tea, the reassuring grip of your current body’s girlfriend on your free hand.

  


Other than the frequent loud slurping, your regular body has mostly been silent, and thank god. The idea of hearing yourself spurt more debauched tow-mater jawing is really setting you on edge right now, and while the idea of doing your best state New York accent is tempting as fuck right now, you haven’t exactly given half a shit about it before, and are thus unprepared. Really the idea of any sort of unflattering Rose impression would be good if you paid attention to the way other people behaved, but you have a hard enough time figuring that shit out for yourself. The psychology field is squarely her ball game, so you really want to just try and focus on dribbling for now and not try anything too fancy till you’ve calmed the fuck down about having your soul yanked out of your body.

  


You’re barely halfway through your cup of slapdash doucheshlong tea before your body sets down his cup and leans back. “Okay, I think I’ve recovered from getting the bad touch from Yog-Sothoth so how about we do some non reality-bending party activities?” You’re so floored by the fact that the second thing out of this asshat’s mouth wasn’t some over-ripe Paula Deen impression that you almost spill your drink.

  


Kanaya thankfully catches the rebound for you. “Yes, that sounds like a wonderful idea David! I think so long as Rose is feeling up to it, we can continue our meet and greet as planned.” Okay, she passed it to you; time to see both how good your Rose impression is, as well as how far you can take this basketball metaphor.

  


You clear your throat and...

  


“Yes, certainly, that would be A-Ok.” You do one of those vaguely worried closed mouth smiles at your former body and give him a thumbs up, then you look at Kanaya and nod. She smiles back and nods, still seeming a little worried but it doesn’t look like she feels anything is off.

  


Normally by this point you’d have vocally freaked the fuck out to both of them, but you really want to get in a few good digs back at Rose before you break character. Plus you don’t want to freak Kanaya out right? You don’t know if this sort of thing happens in their home all the time, but you want to keep it easy for now just on the off chance she would totally freak the fuck out. You would prefer not to start a losing their shit domino effect, especially when you’re at ground zero.

  


You rub your hands together. “Okay, so lets get get started! Whats first on the list... uh, or rather the agenda... honey?”

  


Kanaya giggles, probably because you are currently her girlfriend, and most likely because were just charming, probably. “Okay! First off, Truth or dare.”

  


You stare at her, slipping into a little bit of a suspicious glare. “...Truth or dare? Really?”

  


She however doubles down on her concerned face right back at you. “Rose, it was _your_ idea, remember?”

  


Well fuck, of course it fucking was. Shit, uhh... “Oh, yeah I mean I do, I just was thinking that perhaps... Dave... might not be feeling up for such a...” You pause, and look over at the still blank facade that used to be your face. “Personal sort of game? After what just happened?”

  


He shrugs, “Nah, Actually I think that would be kinda fun.” Then he smirks at you. Fucker, can’t you see I’m projecting here? Ugh.

  


“Okay cool, good. Man I always come up with such fucking good ideas for party activities,” you say in the least snide voice you can.

  


Kanaya smiles at you, then over at your smug asshole doppelganger. “Try not to pick too many dares, David. I do want to get to know you a bit better.” He doesn’t say anything, but you swear his smirk got smugger as Kanaya politely asks “Okay David, Truth or dare?” and at this point you wonder if your former face even has an upper limit to looking like a jackass.

  


“Truth.”

  


“Who was your first kiss with?” You flash a sidelong glance at Kanaya, who obviously hasn’t at all broken her polite-company-is-over face in the slightest.

  


“Oh, do anime girls count?” **motherfucker**

  


“Uhh, hm, lets say they do.” **fucking really**

  


“Heh, then nobody.”

  


It’s such a base level dig, and normally this sort of petty ass level underhand t-ball pitch of an insult wouldn't phase you, but hearing it come from your own damn mouth is god damn annoying.

You clasp your hands together, then lower them and sharply sigh. “Dave, you’re bi; you clearly need to factor in anime boys as well.” Boom. You didn’t know you had such a flawless Rose impression in you, and neither did she judging by how the smile previously prominently displayed on your old face wipes off faster than wet mess on a linoleum floor. You give your best oh-shit-rose-i-just-fucking-called-you-the-fuck-out look (a convergent evolution of the smug smirk) in celebration.

  


“Really Dave, you should take this a little more seriously. It really defeats the whole point of picking truth if you’re just going to lie about it as a joke...” Oh nice; Kanaya to the rescue. How’s it feel to be on the receiving end o- “...So perhaps we should go ahead and institute a rule that if you lie on a truth you have to do two dares.” Oo.. oh. Well shit.

  


“That was Rose’s idea right?” your body pointedly asks you, and you just sigh.

  


“Yes, it was. I’m just so full of wonderful ideas aren’t I.”

  


Oh great, the smirk is back, and your body also has its arms folded behind his head. “If I didn’t know better I would say you two were just trying to get me to do dares, but hey, I’m okay with that!” He then pushes your shades up his nose, and he doesn’t say it, but you can just feel the words ‘Checkmate’ itching to be spoken. “Now, Rose. Truth or dare?”

  


You side eye Kanaya again, now distinctly feeling more like you’re being set up for some kind of catty bitch witch hazing, but of course she still has that polite customer service smile on. Again, normally you would go right for the dare, because dares are the whole point of the game, and most of the time the questions people ask are weaksauce pleasantries, but the heat is gradually being turned up, and you are in the pan, with the basketball in your hand an- “Truth.”

  


Your body folds his hands together, and the light in the room reflects just right off the shades to be a pique Gendo pose “Rose, what do you think of yourself?”

  


“Okay, dare.”

  


“Oh come the fuck on, _Rose,_ this is a perfectly valid question!”

  


“Yeah well, I’m sorry, _Dave,_ opting out is a perfectly valid answer.”

  


“Well that means you need to answer two questions then.”

  


“Does not.”

  


“Don’t _does not_ me, _Rose_ , we clearly established that not taking a question seriously results in a penalty of two of the opposing category.”

  


“...Actually I feel that Rose’s choice to change to a different category hasn't been addressed, Perhaps we should just let this one go for now.”

  


“Yes, my dearest sweetheart Kanaya, I concur wholeheartedly.”

  


“Oh come on you are _not_ taking _her_ side on this are you?”

  


“Why _shouldn’t_ I. David? She _is_ my girlfriend after all; its perfectly natural that I have some bias towards choices in her favor.” You swear you see her wink after this, after which your body slouches backwards and sighs.

  


“Well, I mean I figured as the party guest you both would cut me some slack, but yeah, sure, I yield.” Your former body sticks its hands into its pockets. “Okay Rose, I dare you to kiss Kanaya on the mouth.”

  


Kanaya leans her head on her hand and gives your old body a very ‘Really Dave?’ look, to which it just smiles and shrugs.

  


Then she, leans over you, and oh yeah, right you’re Rose aren’t you...

  


Oh, yeah, _you’re_ _R_ _ose_ , aren’t you.

  


...

  


**OH YEAH, YOU’RE ROSE AREN’T YOU?**

  


Oh shit she doesn’t know that its you does she? Oh fuck you can’t just let her plant one on you thinking that you’re her girlfriend: that would be **fucked.** She is right up in your face and she smells like some kind of Halloween scented candle, and yeah she looks kinda hot, but you really don’t want to break character now because you- “W-wait! Kanaya, my light of lights, in my life, uh, gimmie a fucking second,” you hastily blurt out in one of those loud ass whispers. You also hold up a hand and lean back a bit, but not _too_ far because I mean, y’know. “I have... floor breath, I couldn’t subject you to my noxious as hell mouth right now, uh, babe.”

  


She opens her eyes and gives you a ‘Really Rose?’ look. “...Rose I am right in front of your face. Your breath is fine. However if you aren’t feeling comfortable kissing right now I-”

  


“HAHA, nooooo, me? I am never not up for kissing, fucking, I kiss shit all the time, I’m never not down for kissing-”

  


“Rose, if circumstances are odd for you right now and you-”

  


“I — fucking — I kiss everything, I kiss the cat, I kiss my car before I start it up, hell I even kiss myself in the mirror when I’m getting dressed, so no, like, see this is purely for your benefit because I wouldn't want you kissing someone you didn't want to, I mean, kissing someone who you thought you wanted to but actually had, fucking, uh, cuts! Inside their mouth! You see a blood vessel on my gums burst open and-”

  


“ _Rose,_ I assure you, I am perfectly aware of the situation right now, and I am perfectly _fine_ with it so long as you also fee-”

  


“I mean, swear to god, you are hot as hell, and I am like, a mega lesbian, and I will fucking kiss every cute girl on this planet, fuck, make that like, every person on this planet with feminine enough presentation to fit within my type, like, lay on the mouth to mouth like a Baywatch guard during a tsunami, fucking catch me-”

  


“Oh for **fuck** sake _**Rose**_ I am perfectly **fucking** fine! Are **you** fine?”

  


You sniff “Yeah, I’m fine as hell.” You flash her your least ‘Ha ha I would totally kiss you if I was sure I was the person you thought I was” smile that looks quite very much sort of not pained.

  


She sighs, then returns a far superior smile. “Yes, you are,” she says, then leans the fuck over and fucking smooth as hell plants one directly on your mouth, and its sensual as hell, and you still aren’t sure if she knows you’re not Rose or not, but from the snorting sound your former body just made you feel you perhaps are definitely in the middle of some form of catty bitch witch hazing and probably should worry a little less about things, since nobody fucking else seems to be. She pats you on the shoulder and winks, so yeah like, 80 percent certain it is.

  


“Wow, seeing a couple of choice, premium bitches doing some preformative lesbianism, purely for my benefit, really turns my fucking key.” You turn yourself around to catch your old body lazily doing the jerk-off motion perilously close to his crotch. You gotta say you don’t especially appreciate this smarmy fuck-boy persona that Rose is gradually edging towards; well, you _appreciate_ it but, you don’t appreciate the fact that people who haven't met you or people who don’t know you that well, such as Kanaya, might get the wrong impression. Kanaya in turn just smooths her skirt out and rolls her eyes. You’re mighty tempted to dare Rose to stop, but you feel you’d probably just be enabling her.

  


“Kanaya, truth or dare?”

  


“Oh, hmm... I’ll go with dare.”

  


“I dare you to kiss me again.” Since everyone seems to be more or less on the same page you figure you might as well; this is sort of a once in a lifetime thing after all.

  


She gives you a very knowing look and leans over to plant another one on you and, oh man, she runs her fingers through your hair and really pulls you into it, and holy shit there’s a little bit of tongue, and fuck, you wish your boyfriend lived in the same city as you because you are so god damn touch-starved. Once she stops she whispers “I’m glad you’re feeling better now” in your ear all breathy and shit. Fuck, your face feels hot enough to fry an egg on. You don’t even look up when you hear your body wolf-whistling; you kinda just look at the table, and despite having a strong feeling that everything is okay you cant shake feeling guilty for enjoying yourself this much. You just sort of sit there feeling weird, hot, and tingly inside your friends body for a while while she answers some question about you heinously wrong for Kanaya while inside yours. You can hear it fine, but your dumb ass reptile brain feels like someone just stuffed it full of packing peanuts and all you can do is think of _stuff_.

  


You get jolted out of your horny little self deprecation/disassociation party by Kanaya putting a hand on your shoulder and gently saying “Rose? Did you catch that?” and uh, no, of fucking course you didn’t.

  


“Oh uh, sorry, just a bit distracted, whats up?”

  


Kanaya jerks a thumb over her shoulder to the door, “I was asking Dave what his favorite food was and he mentioned he was feeling a bit hungry, so I’m going to go and order a pizza.”

  


You squint at her accusingly “...Can’t you just order for one?”

  


“Oh, no, I’ve been sitting down for a while so I figure I could use a bit of a walk; also a bit of a break from all of this socializing. It’s no trouble, really.” She basically has a halo over her head while she says this, so all you can really do is sigh.

  


“Okay, have a nice walk then.”

  


She hugs you then heads for the door. You turn your accusing look to the faux Dave and he just shrugs.

  


“Now don’t you two do anything while I’m gone!” she calls out from the door, then she goes to shut it, then opens it again and pokes her head in. “And don’t film it either!” She says, then finally shuts it again.

  


The room is quiet after that, apart from the sound of raw accusational energy pouring out of your eyeballs towards your old body.

  


He exhales, then rubs his hands together. “Soooo, how are we going to split the bill?”

  


You wave your hands in front of your face “Oh don’t be silly Dave, you’re the guest. I don’t expect you to spend your preciously scrounged internet money on a pizza that is basically for everyone.”

  


Your former body waves this away. “Oh shit, no, I didn’t mean paying with money, and anyways I left my wallet at home, so I can’t.”

  


A brief pause. “Back left pocket.”

  


Without even looking, your old body whips your wallet out and cleanly three point shots it into the trash. “Anyways, yeah, I left my wallet at home so, I’ll need to pay you back some _other_ way.”

  


“Some _other_ way, huh.”

  


“Yeah, some _other_ way. I mean, you look like you’re having a good time already so why not have _more_ of a good time?”

  


“...”

  


“...”

  


“So you want to pay for the pizza with sex.”

  


“Yeah.”

  


“Right now.”

  


“Ideally.”

  


“After everything that just happened.”

  


“Yep.”

  


“After nearly having our souls sucked out of our bodies literally five seconds after you found out magic was real.”

  


“That’s the shape of it yes.”

  


“After cold opening with the shittyest possible butchered accent you could fucking think of.”

  


“Don’t tell me how to speak Rose, I talk how I damn well please.”

  


“Fucking, still with this whole bit, huh?”

  


“Yes.”

  


You close your eyes and rub the bridge of your nose. “Okay, _Dave._ At our literal first in person meeting you fucking spend half of it leering and the other half doing a jackoff motion like you’re doing some kind of grindhouse grip test, and now want to give me the D to fucking foot the bill that I insist you don't need to fucking pay, after the most shit game of truth or dare I have ever taken part in outside of grade-school as your pregame?”

  


“Basically yeah.”

  


“And I’m just suppose to go right along with this Freaky Fuckday thing the whole time right?”

  


“Right.”

  


“With little to no explanation, being dropped right into the middle of things, then expected to saddle up and ride my own baloney pony, on the flimsiest fucking pretense imaginable?”

  


“Two things, first off its only going to be a blowjob; second, its not yours, its _mine_.”

  


“Wow, fuck, getting me to put the suction on your giggle stick as a favor to me. How generous of you Strider.”

  


“What can I say? Access to the Strider spam-cannon is hella exclusive.”

  


“Yeah great, I’m so fucking elated to have the velvet rope restraining me from putting the clamp on your love muscle pulled back by your cadre of bodyguards who normally prevent elated pizza buyers from sucking you off in a frenzy, Truly an honor.”

  


“Cordoned-off access to the V I Pee Pee you might say.”

  


“Shit, I might.”

  


“Too bad I said it first.”

  


“Yeah, what-ever shall I do now without all these superb synonyms for pulsing hard turgid cock; I guess I’ll fucking die or something.”

  


“At least wait until you’ve finished giving me head before you off yourself, Rose.”

  


“God, wow, flawless pickup line. You know you have yet to give me a single fucking compelling reason to go along with any of this right? Please try to curtail your jabrony levels till such a time occurs.”

  


“Yeah? Well you better fasten your oyster ditch ‘cus I’m about to give you one.”

“Yeah? Fucking say it then. Do it. Give me one good reason.”

  


Its quiet for a full five minutes after that.

  


All five of which are taken up by a shit eating smirk slowly forming.

  


Him spreading his legs as far apart as humanly possible.

  


And finally him pointing at himself with both thumbs.

  


“Because I’m Dave Strider baby.”

* * *

  


You hate yourself so damn much for being so fucking easy. It’s hard being easy, its hard and nobody understands. At this moment you are looking at yourself in the mirror of the Lalondes’ mildew-tumor bedroom bathroom, ostensibly to ‘freshen up’ before you get your first ‘official Texas welcome’ or whatever the fuck Rose just said during your tour de force showing of her bedroom to her _as_ her. You don’t especially need to do any kind of freshening up, as this body came with pre-applied makeup, but you do need to make a few stupid faces while you still are in possession of Rose’s face.

  


After all, you do need to get the ahego face looking just right before you get force fed your own cock custard.

  


...Okay probably not _force_ fed, but it _would_ be kinda hot.

  


You stick your tongue in your cheek and bulge it rhythmically while you do the jerkoff motion slightly to the side of your mouth. Haha yeah, its going to be sorta like that. Nice.

  


Okay now enough of that, you need to get into character. Actually, you take a few more pictures first. Okay, _now_ you need to get into character, because god damn it you’re Dave rolls-with-anything Strider, right from your adorable purple headband to your cute little purple toenails, and you damn well aren't going to half ass giving yourself a BJ.

  


“Wow Dave, You’re so hot! Why don’t you just freudian slip that dick right on into my mouth?” you quietly mumble towards the mirror. Yep, dead on, you turn beet fucking red in under a second though, very unlike Rose. God you hope she didn’t hear that because you damn well wouldn’t hear the end of it.

  


You take a deep breath and slide the shitty wood panel door out of the way. Yep, there you are. Right there laying back on the bed idly touching your junk through your sweatpants. Fucking classy as hell.

You walk over and stand at the foot of the bed, “Okay, uh, I guess I’m as ready as I’ll ever be.”

  


Your old body grunts, sits up, and slides over to sit on the edge of the bed “...Not like that you’re not.”

  


“What?”

  


“Oh come on, you don’t want to get spunk on that adorable top do you?”

  


“Ah, right. My clothes.”

  


You grab your top and slowly cross-arm hike it over your head, then, aw fuck, headband popped out. You wad the shirt up and chuck it on the dresser, then bend over and re-equip it.

  


“Okay, now lets-” your old body interrupts you by clearing its throat. “Oh, did I put it in crooked or something?”

  


It shakes its head “No, you know. Still some things on you that might get dirty.”

  


“Ah, right... My bra.” you reach back to unfasten it and-

  


“Its a pullover.”

  


Ugh, you grab it by the sides and pull it off, then toss it backwards onto the wardrobe. “Okay, am I naked enough for you now _Dave_?”

  


He just shrugs. “Eh, for now.”

  


Oh goody, something to look forward to.

  


Now all you need to do is... oh, wait shit, your body is removing his shirt now. Holy fuck, how slow is that shirt coming off? Holy shit, did your hips always make such a perfect fucking down arrow pointing directly to your crotch? God, you really need to start hitting the gym again because you’re starting to get a bit soft in the belly. It’s not as if you haven’t watched yourself take a shirt off, and lord knows you’ve seen plenty of guys do this, but this is occupying such a weird middle ground of the two and, oh for fuck, sake you’re burning up again.

  


He finishes removing it and swings it onto the bed, and he fucking grunts while doing it and _unf._ Rose must be having a good fucking time in there. Then the shades come off and honestly this would be the part where people could probably tell it wasn’t you because you’d never fucking do that, but you have to admit your cocky as hell expression gets kicked up a few notches when one fifth of your face isn’t hidden. “See anything you like?” Then he winks. Ugh, fuck, why does your body have to be such a fucking dreamboat?

  


You sigh and get down on your knees, then look up, and ugh, fuck, why does your body have to be so fucking tall? “Yeah, I really want your body _big boy_.” you say bluntly.

  


He snorts. “Oh yeah, same. You know you look _really_ cute when you try to pretend you aren't enjoying yourself.”

  


God why is your voice such a triple x Asmr goldmine right now. Why cant your body be this infuriatingly sexy when _you’re_ inside of it? “Ugh, go fuck yourself.”

  


“...”

  


“...”

  


“Haha, oh my god, how long were you planning on using that one?”

  


“ **Jesus fuck,** _ **Dave,**_ **just whip your dick out already.** ”

  


Your former body hooks its thumbs into the waist-band of your sweats, and pulls them down with the same agonizing slowness he took his shirt off with and you get a front row face first show of your brief-clad junk staring you in the face, and holy fuck, is this what you smell like normally?Your old self smells really musky; its fucking amazing. The briefs aren’t in the way for long and thankfully they get slid off relatively fast, then it’s... your dick. Its already rock hard, and then he puts a hand on it and jerks it a little and oh heavens you just want to bury your face in that thing right now.

  


The hand comes off and outside of your testicle tunnel vision you hear the sound of fingers being kissed and the words “bone apple titty.” being said and you couldn't care less because your hand is already on that pleasantly average dick and you are sliding that bad boy right into your mouth and painting it fucking purple.

  


You put the suction on that thing and take it right to your throat like a pro, glaring up at that smug bastard as he folds his arms behind his head and acts like he’s trying out a high quality massage chair at a furniture store. Your breathing is a whole lot more shallow. He probably feels it when you’re all the way in and brushing your nose against that soft as hell pubic hair. You wish you were able to suck your own dick like this earlier because its damn good, and you sure as hell are taking your time and savoring this.

  


Him placing his hand on the back of your head however, is a sign that apparently some people in this room are too good for slow and steady, and oh god he’s grabbing your hair, and suddenly you find yourself getting skull-fucked like going under one tonsilerectomy a second will cause a bomb to go off in his neck and kill him, and it kind of hurts, but it’s _really_ getting you wet. Your headband falls out and a few tears you’re getting from your gag reflex getting set off so much are crying off your eye makeup, and you’re getting turned into a hot mess real quick. You’re so fucking sweaty at this point, and you’re so fucking wet from this scene hitting note for note what you’ve been jerking yourself into a coma over for the past week that you honest-to-god feel like you might just gush from getting jack-hammered like this, and then he **fucking stops.** He pulls your head right off his cock and nuts **directly** into your fucking eyes and it stings; holy fuck, what sins did you commit in your past life to deserve this?!

  


“ **ROSE,** WHAT THE _FUCK_???”

  


“Wow! I _really_ must have fucked your brains out, but anyways it’s been fun, but I just came, so sex is over, and I am **outta** here! Ciao Rose!”

  


You hear the sound of giggling and the door slamming; you try to pursue them but you bang your head on the door while you’re still wiping the semen out of your eyes. When you do though you run out into the living room with your tits out wearing nothing but a pair of skinny jeans, and yep, looks like she just fucking left. That was **rude**.

  


You sit down on one of the loveseats and proceed to have a mild panic attack for a while, since you had previously expected that after learning that this may have not been an accident and especially after all of **that** , you would then do another ritual to reverse things, but apparently not. Apparently you got ding dong ditched.

  


At some point, Kanaya gets home with the pizza, and while she’s initially happy when she comes through the door, her expression immediately drops when she sees you half naked with messed up hair and seed all over your face just _glaring_ at her.

  


“I uh... take it things didn’t go so well.”

  


“No, they sure as hell fucking didn’t.”

  


“Uh... hmm.”

  


“...”

  


“...”

  


“...”

  


“...Would pizza help?”

  


“...”

  


“...”

  


“...Fuck it, sure.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Special thanks to my pal inklesspen for editing this and giving me feedback, couldn't have done it without you!


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